


Falling

by DaydreamingFangirl



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: F/M, im actually really hoping you guys like this!, ive been so excited to post these, poem inspired
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:27:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24616048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaydreamingFangirl/pseuds/DaydreamingFangirl
Summary: Based on poems written by the incredible Destiny of @wxstedhexrt on Tumblr!Bucky Barnes is falling in so many different kinds of ways - he’s falling in and out of his brain, in and out of reality, in and out of nightmares… and falling in love? Maybe this is the one he doesn’t want to fall out of.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Comments: 19
Kudos: 37





	1. vetustus

**Author's Note:**

> Trying something completely new! Welcome to the first instalment of the ‘falling’ collection. This selection is going to be a collaboration with the lovely and amazing @wxstedhexrt on tumblr (if you don’t know her, go follow her and her poems because holy hell, guys). To find the typed out version of the poem, I've added in the story down below.
> 
> Anyways, please read the follow poem FIRST before you read the fic! The centrepiece of this collection will be the poems so please read them carefully and respectfully :) 
> 
> TW: mentions of an experience while disassociating and a lot of anxious thoughts so please be wary reading ahead if this may trigger something for you!

_Vestustus (Latin) - aged, old, ancient, of ideas of longstanding, of former times //[LINK TO POEM](https://wxstedhexrt.tumblr.com/post/620122571931877376/vetustus-i-stare-at-hands-that-are-far-too)_

Somewhere in the complex, a clock was ticking. There was an old grandfather clock in a distant hallway somewhere, its seconds passing louder and louder as Bucky sank further into the couch.

It had been his fault really, he realized. He had just wanted to go see what was so great about Times Square that made it a tourist attraction that Google kept suggesting. He went alone, not wanting to bother anyone else on the team, though now, looking back at that decision, maybe it had been a bad one. Steve had been there already, had expressed his slight dislike for how crowded everything was lately. Bucky was sure he had probably seen it too. Well. Part of him had seen it.

Armed with his baseball cap on his head, Bucky had stood on a sidewalk, just trying to see all the things he couldn’t explain. Like why were there so many flashing boards, why did a drink company need to be advertising so loudly when Bucky noticed it was carried in every shop? Why did people seem like they had the world on their shoulders, rushing somewhere like their lives depended on it? Why was everything so bright? Why was everyone so loud, yelling and screaming into phones? Why was it all so fast, like blurs on a street rather than people living lives?

Although he tried to stay in a corner, Bucky was bumped into more times than he could count. He tried to keep his focus on external things, a small smile rising to his lips when he saw a small family and their dog. He liked dogs, he tried to focus on their dog, liking the small coat it was wearing, like it was part of the family. Bucky yearned to be that dog, to be a part of something enough that people wanted him around, but distant in his head enough to forget that he was alive.

Another push on his shoulder.

“Watch where you’re going, man!” The middle aged man glared at Bucky for seemingly appearing out of nowhere, even though Bucky had barely moved a muscle since he had arrived.

Bucky’s fists curled tighter, glaring at the man until he saw that fear creep into his eyes. As the man ran away, Bucky felt a bit of shame in his stomach. Part of him had always wondered… what if the Winter Soldier wasn’t gone? What if it was just fused in with him now? Every bit of anger, every ounce of frustration… what if that was _him_?

Bucky couldn’t remember how he got home. Had he taken the train? A bus? Had he walked? But now here he was, sitting in one of the many living rooms in the complex, staring at his hands.

Bucky wished he could find something on the one. A wrinkle, sagging skin, a sun spot. Something to identify how old he was feeling in his body. But his skin was taut. Smooth. Nothing marked him, nothing told him of the past that was forgotten to him but remembered by everyone else. He had blood on these hands and he saw no trace of it.

His hands were a constant reminder that he was out of place. Here he was, looking young enough to pass as just a random innocent person on the street. But inside, was a 40’s man, old enough to have grandchildren running around these days. Evil crept inside of him, hiding from the world. But people knew what he had done.

Then there was the other hand. The sleek sparkling silver. He felt like a kid on Christmas, staring at this new high tech toy, imagining just how much it would’ve been worth back then. How better of a life he could’ve given his family if he had given them this. Did he deserve an expensive piece like this? How many people went their lives without an arm, learned to live with just one, what made him any better than them?

Bucky clenched his fists and released them, over and over again, digging his nails into his palms as he yearned to feel something. He could feel himself disassociating from his mind, everything around him was a blur. There was completely silence in this room, except for that ticking clock, and suddenly everything felt so far away from him. Bucky closed his eyes, trying to remind himself he was awake. This was not a dream, although it very much so felt like ti was. He was alive, not a ghost living in a world of living.

The man felt almost shameful as his mind tugged him in different directions. He couldn’t be like this, not here. Not out in the open where all the team could come and find him. He had done that before, completely spaced out during a meeting. He had watched as everyone seemed to both stare at him and look away at the same time, shifting forward in their seats like they were ready to attack him if need be. But he couldn’t seem to move, as much as he wanted to stand up and walk away, he felt tied to the spot, heavy like he was a weight sinking in the ocean.

A flicker of light somewhere, must be in the hallway, Bucky thought. He tried to pull himself back, feeling his nails dig harsher into his palms. Someone was coming. More than just one. He could hear shoes against the floor coming closer, even though it sounded like echoes away.

“Oh sorry, Buck, I didn’t realize you were here,” Steve’s eyes focused on his friend. He noticed Bucky’s tense shoulders, his clenched fists shaking just barely. “Uh Y/N, why don’t we go somewhere else? I can show you the rest of the complex?” Steve offered, shifting his stance to move away from this living room.

Bucky’s sight moved like he was going through Jell-o. He turned to look at his best friend, almost hoping that seeing Steve would shove him back to reality. The light Steve had turned on in the hallway was so bright, Bucky felt his eyes wince and try to focus.

Focus on Steve, he told himself harshly, his vision blurring more. But Steve didn’t look like Steve. His hair was… different, his clothes were stranger and unfamiliar. Bucky could feel his chest tightening just a bit more, watching as his sight flickered, Steve disappearing and reappearing in different rates.

And there she was.

Bucky was almost convinced this had to be a dream. He had been fighting the idea for so long, insisting to himself that it was reality. But maybe that’s why he couldn’t remember how he got home. Maybe he was dreaming. Because he had never met this girl, or seen eyes that beautiful, laid eyes on a smile that gentle.

He noticed her hand raising and Bucky wanted to flinch, as if expecting her to throw something at him, but she gave a small wave. The air around her wasn’t fuzzy. Bucky’s whole reality was crumbling around him except her. Suddenly Bucky’s heart didn’t feel like it was falling into his stomach, instead, his stomach felt light, his chest felt heavy but… in a good way?

Suddenly she was beside him, bringing that air of peace with her. “Sergeant, it’s nice to meet you.” She was saying and Bucky took some seconds to process it. His mind was slowing, his breath was filling his lungs again.

He wanted to tell her to call him Bucky, because he didn’t feel like a Sergeant anymore. Too many innocent lives were on his hands and he couldn’t even remember what day it was. He wanted to say hello, introduce himself, ask her why she was here, but the words piled up in his throat, turning into mush in his mouth.

Even with all his thoughts swirling around, her voice was clear. Bucky felt a slight pressure on what should be his hand, her eyes fixated on his. For a moment, it felt like everything was okay, like he wasn’t fading in and out. For a moment, it felt real.

“I woke up this morning and I couldn’t believe it was already _Tuesday_.” The girl’s voice was the only thing Bucky could manage to find a focus on. The light behind her was still too bright, Steve’s shadow the only other thing he could make out. “I had to triple check my phone to believe that it was actually _June 4th, 2020_ because I was so not ready to come meet you all!”

Bucky could swear there was a slight emphasis in her voice when she was talking about the date. Maybe there wasn’t, but the words imprinted on his mind, like he was collecting puzzle pieces of what was happening around him. He was holding onto these pieces of information like grabbing onto a ledge he needed to pull himself onto and here she was, lending a hand without even knowing him.

“It’s crazy how I’m here with you, _Bucky Barnes_ , and _Steve Rogers_ , _Captain America himself_ ,” the girl continued with a smile. “I’m Y/N, by the way. Y/N Y/L/N.”

And just like that, Bucky latched onto that name like it was his saviour.

For just those few moments, Bucky had felt like reality wasn’t a weird thing he had to question. For those moments, holding her hand there, he felt like he was holding something he could prove was real. He had seen something, heard something, completely and utterly real.

But within a snap of a moment, Bucky’s eyes focused in again and found himself in his room. Had he walked here? Did he even actually tell Steve and this new girl he was going? Bucky felt himself panic for a moment. Had any of it been real? He had been so sure… but maybe it hadn’t because she was far too beautiful to be a reality.

## ** ** ** ** ** ** 

Y/N had been ecstatic to finally be at the day that she got to meet the Avengers. She was ready to be a part of the team, though she wasn’t quite sure what made the Captain choose her. What was so special about her? She tried not to think about it, tried not to let those fears of not being good enough creep in, as she got ready. A lot of her stuff had already been moved to her room at the complex, so Y/N stuffed the rest of her things into a small duffle bag, sighing a small goodbye to her tiny apartment.

“Goodbye apartment. Hello Avengers,” she mumbled to herself with a grin, excitedly hopping into a taxi cab she managed to hail down.

Just like he had mentioned in his email, Captain Rogers was waiting at the front of the complex for her. “Ma’am, it’s good to see you again!” He grinned, shaking her hand. Y/N noted the firmness of his handshake, the smile on his dimpled cheeks. He had a strong demeanour to him, a leadership’s aura and she couldn’t help but find a sort of confidence that she would follow him anywhere.

Steve, that’s what he insisted on her calling him, Steve, not Captain or Sir, just Steve, showed her around the complex. He led her to her room first, explaining that his room was just down the hall, along with Bucky Barnes’, Natasha Romanoff’s, and Clint Barton’s, should she ever need some help. Y/N dropped off her duffle and continued to follow the Captain around the complex, trying to hold in her excitement.

They walked down a hall and the movement caused the lights to flicker on, Steve talking about how she could start training right away if she wanted to. His voice halted as he peered into the living room and Y/N noticed his body language change.

“Oh sorry, Buck, I didn’t realize you were here,” Steve glanced between the body on the couch and Y/N’s curious eyes. “Uh Y/N, why don’t we go somewhere else? I can show you the rest of the complex?” Steve suggested but Y/N walked into the living room anyways.

She hadn’t expected for Bucky Barnes to seem so… lonely. Sure, she’d read up about him and empathized greatly with him for all he had gone through, but when she first pictured meeting the Avengers, she almost forgot the terrible stories they had lived through.

Before Steve could steer her elsewhere, Y/N had sat down, noting a familiar look on Bucky’s face. He was disassociating, much like some of the people she had worked with before in her volunteer work. She could see the haze over his eyes, the shaking of his hands. His gaze darted to her, as if trying to figure out what was going on.

Y/N’s hand found his before she could even realize what she was doing. She pressed gently into his hand, wanting to give him something to hold onto. She talked quietly enough to not jerk him around, but enthusiastically so he wouldn’t feel embarrassed.

For a moment, Y/N forgot that she was a complete stranger to this man. For a moment, Y/N felt like this was exactly where she needed to be.

Later that evening as Y/N unpacked her bags, she smiled as she found a soft blanket tucked away in one of the luggages that had been brought here weeks ago. She pulled it out with a small huff, holding it close to her for a moment.

She remembered first receiving it, back when she was having a lot more trouble sleeping. It would lay across her, weighted enough to make her feel like she was being held, but not enough to make her feel like she was drowning.

Her mind escaped for a moment, thinking about the stranger she had helped earlier. Bucky seemed to relax with her in those moments and Steve had suggested to him when he came to that he should maybe take a nap. Bucky had nodded and got up, as if sleepwalking, disappearing into the hallways.

“I’ve never seen him respond to someone like that when he gets in his head,” Steve commented later. He gave her a small smile, nodding slowly, “Thank you. For helping him earlier. He’s been adjusting but there’s always some days worse than others.”

Y/N nodded and gave him a smile, “My friend back home disassociates sometimes. It used to happen a lot more than it does nowadays but… she always found it more helpful to have something to hold onto. Either physically or mentally. I’d tell her what we were doing or where we were so she wouldn’t feel so lost, remind her of her name in case she forgot.” Y/N explained, noting Steve eager to help his friend like she once was.

Now in her room, holding this weighted blanket, Y/N was still thinking about him. This gorgeous shell of a man who was clearly trying to find his way back to reality.

Before she could really think through her actions, Y/N found herself at Bucky’s door, knocking on it gently. She wasn’t sure if he was asleep or anything, the lights were off and she couldn’t hear any movements, but she was a tad worried he was alone and freaking out and couldn’t speak.

She swallowed tightly, slowly turning the door knob and finding it comforting that it wasn’t locked.

Bucky was sitting on the corner of his bed, legs over the edge, hands in his lap, just like he had been on the couch. His eyes lifted to see her and he almost looked stunned when he realized it was her.

“Sorry, I just…” Y/N paused, realizing she was intruding his privacy. “I’m really sorry, I should’ve waited for you to tell me to come in. I just thought… I found this in my luggage and was wondering if you wanted it?”

Silence filled the air as Bucky stared at her, a mix of emotions in his eyes. Y/N stepped forward slowly placing the soft blanket next to him on the bed.

“You don’t have to use it, but my friend who was going through a similar thing… she really liked to hold it when she was… going through stuff. I just thought maybe it would help you,” Y/N tried to speak clearly, tried not to be confusing or ramble onwards. She moved to go back to the door, Bucky’s eyes still fixated on her, until she noticed his arm moving towards the blanket.

His arm pulled at it slowly, Y/N noting the slight surprise on his face when he realized it was heavier than a normal blanket. She watched as he turned to look at it, his fingers dancing along the soft fabric as he pulled it more and more until it was on his lap.

“What’s your name?”

His voice was as if he hadn’t drank anything in months, croaking at her like a cry for help. She could hear how hard it was for him to just get out those words.

“Y/N. Y/L/N.” Y/N replied and she saw maybe just a piece of him return to his body. He looked over at her again, clutching at the blanket tightly like it was the only thing he had left.

“Sit,” Bucky knew it didn’t sound like a question but he hadn’t sounded like he was giving an order either. The word formed at his lips and he had forced it out, concentrating all his effort to just try and see something properly.

She sat next to him without him having to plead a second time, her fingers reaching to touch his on the blanket.

“Your friend, Steve, said that you’re really good at training newbies. That you walk through things with them. He said that if I wanted, and if you were willing, you could train me too,” Y/N told him, tracing small circles into the skin of his hand. “Steve talks very highly about you,” she added with a small smile.

Bucky could feel the fog lifting as she spoke, her name becoming like a mantra in his head. Y/N Y/L/N. Two words that focused him back to his mind, two words that made him wonder what tomorrow would be like. What is the future holding that he didn’t know?

With her hand holding his, Bucky knew there was still no trace of the blood on his hands. But he started to think about the present, instead of the past.

## ** ** ** ** ** ** **

_I’ve never felt this giddy before posting a fic haha. Thank you so so much to[@wxstedhexrt](https://tmblr.co/mOmLJ33HTdQLbNcNkkI95Mg) for agreeing to do this with me :D Your writing is one of the most beautiful things I’ve been able to read so I really appreciate you combining your art with mine! _


	2. cruor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Minor OG character deaths in a dream, a lot of anxious thoughts, mentions of blood - please be wary of any of your own triggers before reading this
> 
> Instalment #2 in @wxstedhexrt‘s and my Falling collection,  
> Series Masterlist HERE. As with the first part of this series, please read the poem first as it is the whole centrepiece of the fanfic :)   
> As for the first chapter, the typed out version of the poem is linked down below!

_Cruor (Latin) - gore, blood, murder //[LINK TO POEM](https://wxstedhexrt.tumblr.com/post/620290414249951232/cruor-i-fall-without-end-i-should-hit-the)_

Ascream that tore through the night caught Bucky by surprise. His head whirled around, looking for the source, his heart pounding against his chest. His eyes landed on a woman, clutching a child and shielding his body with her own. Bucky could see the fear in her eyes, staring right at Bucky, as if begging him for something. He could hear the child sobbing, crying into the woman’s chest.

Bucky wanted to hold out a hand, reach out and tell her it was okay. He would call for help, he would get someone, _anyone_ to help them. But as his hand lifted, he felt the heavy weight of a gun. It was far larger than necessary when the target was so close- Wait. _No_. Why was he thinking like that? Why was he thinking about the logistics of which gun to use to kill this mother and child when he shouldn’t be thinking about killing them at all? Why was he holding this gun? Why was he starting to aim? Why were they looking at him in fear? Why was he here? Where was Steve? Where were the Avengers?

He felt the recoil of the gun snap back into his body, the woman’s mouth open but her scream was silenced. Bucky wanted to rush to her, press down on the wound and yell for someone to get help but all he could do was stand there and watch as the little boy stared at his bleeding mother.

The young eyes turned on him, angry, fearful, wounded. His lips moved, curved to fit around the word, “Murderer!” Voices of hundreds, maybe thousands, joined the boy’s, all screaming at Bucky, fear and anger tangled in their tones.

Bucky felt the gun recoil again, just as the little boy moved to scream another word. He was interrupted, red blood everywhere, pooling around the two bodies. The silence was deafening under the scream that echoed in Bucky’s mind. The word had been cut off but Bucky knew. He knew what the boy called him.

 _Monster_.

Bucky felt his body being blown back, as if the ghosts of the two in front of him shoved him as hard as they could manage. He was suddenly falling, watching as the sky grew further away. He felt his body clench, bracing himself for the fall, getting ready to feel the impact on his body, the shattering of his bones.

But it never happened. His eyes open, not even realizing that in fear, he had closed them. He was in a pool, his body floating in the liquid around him. His eyes scanned as he sat up, noting the fluid holding him down. It was dark. It was thick. It was sticky. It was…

Bucky’s eyes widened as he lifted his hands to his eyes, seeing crimson streaks dripping down his silver arm.

_Blood._

Bucky knew it was theirs immediately, a heaviness sitting on his chest as he thought back to the little boy’s eyes. To his mother’s scream. Why had he done it? Why was he doing this?

_Monster. Murderer. Killer. Terrorist._

The words spun in his head, as if suddenly those were the only words he knew.

Bucky wanted to scream out, yell an apology to deaf ears. He wasn’t the Winter Soldier anymore, he was _free,_ he wanted to tell them. But the blood started to grab at him, strapping across his chest and pulling him in. There was no longer any platform under him to sit on, Bucky was sinking, he was being pulled under. He wanted to fight, struggle against the strong liquid that seemed to take on a lifeform of its own.

But the words rang again.

_Monster. Murderer. Killer. Terrorist. Villain. Animal. Devil._

Bucky felt himself sink further into the pool of blood and with every word that seemed to scream at him, he felt something tug him further down. He deserved to drown, he realized. He deserved to die. He thought of the little boy. So young. So innocent. Killed. Murdered. At his own hand.

Bucky shot out of bed with a gasping breath, his throat feeling like he had just let out an ear splitting scream. He threw off his blanket, hearing the weighted one he had been gifted hit the floor with a _thump_. He needed to breathe, he needed air, but as he tried to heave, it was like his lungs were shrinking. His whole body felt chilly, sweat dripping down his forehead as he tried to force himself awake.

His eyes darted around, looking for a sign of the little boy. Of his mother. Of the blood. But nothing. He was alone in his bedroom, eyes searching for signs of any struggle, any sign that what he had just experienced was real.

Bucky gripped at his hair, holding his head tightly, trying to stop the feeling of everything spinning. _Murderer._ He wanted to throw up but his stomach wouldn’t comply. He looked at his window, the peace and serenity that was outside. He wanted to be outside. He couldn’t be here anymore.

He stumbled across the room, noting the mirror nearby but he quickly shut his eyes as he passed. What if he looked and he was holding the gun? What if he looked and the woman and her child were behind him? No, he couldn’t look. He wouldn’t see what he looked like. He just needed to leave.

 _Murderer_.

Bucky wanted to walk straight to the door but it was like his feet were heavier with each step. He stumbled into the hallway wall, gripping it to hold himself up. His eyes tried to stabilize, catching the sight of blue hues flickering on the floor. Everything else was so dark, he felt like a fly to a flame, staring at the light and flying towards it like it would ground him, as if his sanity would return when he reached it.

 _Animal_.

His senses had felt so overwhelmed as soon as he had woken up and Bucky realized there was still a ringing in his ears. He tried to force it away, to will back the silence but they rang like bells were following him. HIs eyes felt strained in the darkness and his tongue felt heavy with dehydration. Bucky inhaled, trying to grab oxygen to his lungs and he smelt it.

He knew that smell. Bucky shuffled further, still using the wall to hold himself up, his mind racing as it grabbed onto that smell and refused to let it go.

It was her. He knew it was her. That smell was the smell of her shampoo, something he had gotten a whiff of a few nights ago when she was in his room. He breathed it in deeply, as if it was the one thing that could save him, exhaling slowly through his lips. _Inhale. Exhale_.

His eyes followed the blue light into the dark living room, no other sign of living except for the soft sound of the TV playing. He watched as the TV lights brought blue hues dancing around the living room walls. He felt his eyes take note of every single corner of the living room, as if making sure there was no danger.

_Devil._

“Bucky?”

Just like that, the world slowed down to a pause. The demons who picked and prodded at Bucky’s brain stopped as soon as her voice was heard and they all understood the same thing as they scurried away and hid. In the presence of a melody that perfect, it had to be holy, in which case, there was no place for demons.

His eyes met hers and for a moment, he was still. His body trembled like a leaf in the wind but his soul, it was still. For that brief spell, there was peace. Bucky tried to force himself to inhale and exhale slower, tried to slow down the organ that was beating so harshly against his chest. He wasn’t sure why but Bucky quietly wished he had looked in the mirror earlier. He couldn’t imagine being in front of her looking so animalistic, so unraveled, so inhuman. He wasn’t sure why but he didn’t _her_ of all people to see this side of him, the side he had hid from everyone else for so long.

He waited for a moment, waited to hear the words scream at him again. Maybe she would hear them, maybe she would agree. But no voices came, no words and no pitchforks. Just her.

It was as if her voice alone had been injected in him like a drug, an anesthetic that took over his brain, silenced the voices, slowed his heartbeat, relaxed his muscles.

The girl parted her lips again and Bucky knew she wanted to ask if he was alright, but clearly thought better of it. She watched him carefully and Bucky heard her say, “Are you going out for a walk? Would you like some company?”

Y/N watched him carefully, her eyes surveying the damage that a nightmare had clearly done. Although yawns were creeping at her lips all night, Y/N had noticed Bucky silently torturing himself today. She wondered if that meant the nightmares would be worse tonight, so she had stayed up. She had been curled up in the living room couch with a blanket and some tea, hoping she wouldn’t find Bucky stumbling around but… here he was.

He stared at her, almost like a deer in headlights, and Y/N straightened her posture to look at him, “I can come with you if you want,” she offered, pushing the blanket off her lap.

But Bucky shook his head. Y/N thought it meant he was going to go by himself but he started to move towards her. She shifted on the couch some more, patting down the space of the couch next to her as he silently sank into the fabric.

“It’s Scooby Doo,” she commented and Bucky’s eyes moved to the TV. She watched as he studied it for a moment and saw his body relax just a bit. “Do you want some?” Y/N’s hands cupped the mug of tea and held it to him. He took it and just held it in his hands, as if allowing the warmth to overtake his body.

Y/N started to shift again, wanting to give him more room so he didn’t feel trapped in but Bucky’s arm reached out for her and held her thigh. He looked at her apologetically, his hand pulling away quickly as she stared at him in surprise. She gave him a small smile and shifted a bit closer to him this time and he relaxed again.

“Something is haunting the Scooby Doo snack factory,” she explained with an amused smile, nodding towards the TV. “I used to watch these when I was a kid, used to eat breakfast watching them, fall asleep to them…”

The two watched in silence, Bucky taking small sips of the tea every now and then. Y/N leaned her against his arm and Bucky was glad she got the side with his flesh arm and not the metal one (can’t imagine that’s too comfortable, he thought). After an episode or two, the tea mug got sat down on a table and Bucky sank further into the couch with Y/N by his side. The two of them slowly drifted off to sleep in front of the TV.

And for the first time in a long time, Bucky had no dreams. No nightmares. Just peace.

## ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Thanks so much to everyone who gave some love to the first part of our Falling series! I hope you guys are enjoying it because Destiny and I are very much so enjoying writing them :) 


	3. apotelesma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of a gunshot wound but other than that just fluff :) 
> 
> Instalment #3 in @wxstedhexrt‘s and my Falling collection, Series Masterlist HERE. As with the other parts of this series, please read the poem first as it is the whole centrepiece of the fanfic :) As with the first part of this series, please read the poem first as it is the whole centrepiece of the fanfic :) The typed out version of the poem is linked down below!

_apotelesma (Latin): the influence that stars have over human destiny //[LINK TO POEM](https://wxstedhexrt.tumblr.com/post/620656701506535425/apotelesma)_

It was dinner time in the Avengers complex and like most nights after a hard mission, everyone’s stomachs were empty and they were eager to sink their teeth into some food. As Steve and Tony started laying out the different dishes on the counter top, the rest of the members came with their plates, numerous conversations taking place.

Bucky wondered why it didn’t seem to bother them that their newest teammate was in the hospital wing right now. Why did he seem to be the only one struck with anxiety and fear that she got hurt?

Sam reached for the food, his eyes gleaming with hunger when Bucky finally spoke up, “Shouldn’t we wait for Y/N?”

Conversations came to a halt and all eyes were suddenly on Bucky. He shifted uncomfortably as he stood, leaning against the island. He could feel everyone scanning his face, all of them clearly uneasy with how they should answer. But was he wrong? Why were they not feeling just as worried as he was? How could they even think to eat and smile when she was down there in pain?

“She’ll be up soon, Bucks,” Steve spoke up, clapping a hand on his shoulder in a sort of comforting way. “Besides, knowing Y/N, if we waited for her, she’d be angry at us for not taking care of ourself first.”

Bucky hesitated but a small bit of guilt ate him up. He forced a small smile, giving the approval everyone needed to dive into the food. Sam piled some food onto another plate, sliding it over to Bucky, “She’s alright, you know.”

Bucky looked up at him, his brow furrowing in frustration. She wasn’t _alright_ , that’s why she was downstairs with Dr. Cho. If she had been alright, maybe his chest could stop feeling so heavy, maybe his stomach would stop twisting and turning. “She shouldn’t have gotten hurt in the first place,” Bucky stated, not bothering to touch the plate.

Steve and Sam shared a looked and Bucky couldn’t help but wish he had just stayed silent. He didn’t need these two poking into the feelings he hadn’t even recognized in himself yet.

“Y/N’s a smart girl. Real quick too. I dunno if I would’ve been able get out of there the way she did,” Sam commented between bites of his mashed potatoes.

Bucky nodded in agreement, though all he had known of the situation was what Steve told him pieced together with what he had heard over the comms. Y/N had run off from the group and Steve had let her, knowing that her curiosity would’ve enticed her to go off anyways, and deciding it was better that she told him first anyways. She mentioned she thought she saw some movement in one of the offices and just wanted to check it out and Steve didn’t think it was a bad idea. He had let her go on her own, which Steve would later regret.

Y/N had walked right into the trap laid out for the Avengers tonight by the HYDRA operatives. They had been lying in wait and Y/N walked in with no backup nearby. She had taken two shots to her right arm before she dove behind some cover. Her yelling through the comms were all Bucky could hear in the back of his mind, even now here in the kitchen. He had been so worried about her, he had tried to run across the whole building trying to find her. But by the time he was there, Steve had come to her aid and they had taken out a small army of about 40 men by themselves.

Steve commented later on the plane that Y/N was a quick learner for a new agent. He was rather proud of her with how she acted but Bucky couldn’t help but feel angry. How could she be so reckless? It didn’t help that the most reckless out of the team, his idiotic best friend, was commending her for her careless attributes, saying it was brave and smart thinking.

“Y’alright there, Bucks?” Steve asked, nudging the man out of his thoughts. Sam and Steve’s eyes were still trained on Bucky as he rethought about tonight’s events for the thousandth time.

“You shouldn’t praise her for acting stupid,” Bucky spoke up with a small glare. Steve blinked in surprise, hearing the sharp tone in his friend’s voice. “If you hadn’t been close by, she could’ve died, Steve.”

“Nah, you can’t get rid of me that easily, Sergeant,” came a voice from the doorway.

All eyes wheeled over to see Y/N standing there, bandages wrapped around her whole upper arm. Everyone immediately cheered for her, grins all around but Y/N’s eyes were fixated on Bucky. She gave him a playful wink before rolling her eyes at some comment Clint was making about her very first injury.

“Really, I’m being serious!” Clint laughed, offering her a plate. “It’s like a badge of honour. You survived your first Avengers mission!”

“Yeah well, Dr. Cho said the wound was clean so I’m all good. Ready to go back into battle!” Y/N said with a grin and Bucky’s eyes immediately widened as he heard her. He had to take a moment to realize she was joking and not just immediately willing to hop right into another mission with an injured arm.

She walked over to the counter Bucky was seated at, giving him a smile as she noted the untouched food on his plate, “You not hungry?” She asked, tilting her head slightly as she watched him.

Bucky bit his lip and shrugged, slowly moving to start feeding himself. As Y/N piled food onto her own plate, he watched her. He noticed the little winces, the slight shifting in her body as her arm throbbed in pain with every movement, and yet her smile stayed on the whole time.

“You’ve got to take it easy you know,” Bucky commented as she sat back down with her food. “You don’t have super healing.”

“Yeah yeah I know,” she giggled, smiling at him. “Don’t worry, I’ll be as good as new soon! Then I can head back to the field.”

Bucky wasn’t sure why but the thought of Y/N joining a mission again made him nervous. He wanted to tell her to stay home more but he knew that the whole point of her joining the Avengers was to do the work the Avengers did.

Y/N gave him an amusing smile, nudging his leg with her own under the counter, “Aww were you worried about me, Barnes?” She teased gently, popping a piece of broccoli into her mouth.

Bucky’s cheeks were turning pink slowly as he quickly diverted his eyes from hers. “Just don’t want you getting hurt is all,” he mumbled but Y/N saw the shy smile on his lips and the sight of it made her heart skip a beat a little.

Like most nights after dinner, the team moved to the living room to watch some movies or play some games. It was a nice way to relax after a stressful mission and Y/N really liked learning to bond with the team. She found herself squished in between Tony and Rhodey as they played Mario Kart with Nat and Clint, giggling at the numerous amounts of profanities and screaming emerged.

Y/N couldn’t help but laugh as Clint screeched whilst his character got blown up by a blue shell (“I swear to god, Nat, I will _kill_ you for that!”) but her attention was quickly diverted as her phone buzzed. Lighting up her phone screen was her news app, with big capital letters that read: _METEOR SHOWER TONIGHT!_

A grin grew on her lips so quickly, Steve laughed as he noticed from the other couch, “Got a secret boyfriend texting you, Y/N?”

Y/N rolled her eyes in response and shook her head, scooting off the couch (“You’re in my way, Y/N, I can’t see!” Rhodey screamed, his character on screen quickly fell off the map, “Goddammit!”). She plopped down next to Steve, eagerly showing him the screen.

“There’s gonna be a meteor shower!” She exclaimed excitedly, scrolling through the feed to try and find what time it was coming. “I wonder if I could find a dark enough place to go see it…”

“You sound like Bucky,” Steve chuckled and Y/N blinked looking up at him with a surprised look on her face. “Bucks always loved looking at the stars. Every now and then, when I can’t find him in his room, he’ll be up at the top of the complex trying to spot some constellations. But with how bright the complex can get, it’s a little hard.”

Y/N nodded slowly, her gaze moving over to Bucky who was playing pool nearby with Sam, the two of them bickering (as usual) about the rules. Steve watched a soft smile grow on her lips as she watched his best friend. It’s funny, he thought, how the two of them looked the exact same when looking at the other and yet neither of them noticed.

Bucky was never all that great with sleeping in general, but lately any night that he was having trouble, he could find Y/N on the living room couch watching late night TV. It was so much easier to sleep with her next to him, the presence of someone safe. Anytime he would wake up in fear, she was the reminder that there was still good in the world.

But tonight, Bucky felt too guilty to go and find her. He didn’t want her to feel like she _had_ to be out and helping him, she got shot tonight after all. She could’ve _died_ tonight. She should rest and heal.

But as Bucky sat in bed, trying to fall asleep by himself, a nagging anxious feeling in his mind just wouldn’t go away, especially not after his conversation with Sam.

_“She’s a real pretty girl, ain’t she?” Sam had mumbled lowly while the two of them played pool earlier._

_Bucky looked at him confused. They had just been talking about whether or not Sam was allowed to shoot again if he fumbled his shot the first time and… now he was talking about a girl? “Sorry?” Bucky frowned tightly._

_“Y/N.” Sam stated simply, grinning as his shot executed exactly the way he wanted to. “She’s real pretty,” he repeated._

_Bucky felt something tighten in him, a sort of boiling up in his stomach as he shot a glare over at Sam, “I hadn’t noticed.” He grumbled, his grasp on the pool stick tightening._

_“Oh yeah? In that case I guess I’ll ask her out myself then,” Sam smirked and let out a laugh when Bucky gave him another death glare. “God, you’ve got it bad haven’t you?”_

_Bucky tried to calm down his expression, his cheeks feeling warm the more Sam laughed at him. “I have no clue what you’re talking about,” he insisted with a huff._

_“Tell that to your face, you look like you would murder anyone who even looked at her!” Sam’s laugh and wide smile were annoying Bucky more than usual. He stared back at the pool table, avoiding the man’s gaze._

_“So what?”_

_“So, I’m just saying that she’s really pretty and clearly interested in you. And you, as evidenced by this angry jealous face you’ve got on right now, are clearly interested in her. It’d be a shame if you kept ignoring how you felt about her.”_

_Bucky wanted to storm off right then and there but he knew making a scene would only make things worse. His chest tightened as his eyes flickered over to Y/N, who had suddenly moved over to sit next to Steve. He couldn’t help but feel a pang of anger in his stomach (or… was it jealousy?), watching as she talked with Steve, a smile on her face, sparkles in her eyes. “Drop it, Bird Brain.”_

Sam rolled his eyes and leaned against the pool table, “Do I need Nat to come over and whack you in the head? Stop denying it, it’s really no use. How many other people you get that anxious over when they get hurt? She wasn’t anywhere near to being seriously injured compared to what could’ve happened today, but you looked like you were already mourning her.”

Bucky thought about what Sam was saying, annoyed that some of his points were valid. How could this idiot notice something that he didn’t?

Almost immediately, Bucky felt guilty for thinking about Y/N in that way, sitting up in his bed and shaking his head quickly as if that would shake the thoughts out. She was a great girl, always so nice when he was freaking out. She never once made him feel like a problem. A burden. A monster.

The words that left Bucky’s lips to end the conversation with Sam echoed in his mind even now. _“I’m no good for her.”_

It was true, Bucky reminded himself. He was a pile of anxiety and pain. How could he love a girl like that in the way she deserved to be loved with blood and innocent lives on his hands? How could anyone as pure as that even consider to be with him?

A knock on the door startled Bucky, his eyes staring to focus on the door. Was he hearing things?

“Are you awake?” a small voice at the door made Bucky finally move out of bed. He opened the door slowly to find Y/N with a smile on her face in front of him.

“What’re you doing up?” Bucky frowned, nodding towards her arm. “You should really sleep, you need to rest-”

“Aw you sound just like Steve,” Y/N groaned, rolling her eyes with a giggle. “You weren’t sleeping huh?” Bucky shook his head in response and she grinned wider. “Great! Get dressed and meet me in the garage!”

Bucky wondered if his mind had moved from thinking about Y/N all the time to actually fantasizing about her. Had her coming to his door been a vision? Was he seeing things? He frowned tightly as the thoughts piled up in his brain but he tugged a sweatshirt on and some track pants and headed down to the garage.

Y/N was waiting in a car, smiling excitedly from the passenger seat. “Come on!” She giggled, bouncing up and down as Bucky climbed into the drivers seat. “We gotta hurry!”

“Where are we going?” Bucky asked curiously but Y/N just shook her head.

“You just drive, it’s a surprise!”

As Bucky drove down country roads far away from the complex, he wondered if Steve had told her that Bucky quite liked driving at night. He found it calming to not hear the loudness of the daytime, especially in the city. Y/N stayed quiet for most of the ride but the smile on her face was as wide as ever, only talking when she gave him directions on where to turn.

When Y/N told him finally to park at a dead end, Bucky thought she was going crazy. Then she wriggled out of the car excitedly, shutting the door behind her before giving Bucky any sort of explanation, and Bucky _knew_ she had to be insane.

“Where are you going?” Bucky yelled at her figure climbing up the grassy hill nearby.

“Hurry! We’ll miss it!” Y/N screamed back, jumping up and down and waving her arms to draw his attention more.

It didn’t take too long to reach the top of the hill and Y/N plopped down on it, staring at the sky. She could feel the excitement building in her stomach, making her wriggle on the patch of grass she was sitting in.

“Y/N, what the hell are we doing here?” Bucky asked, reaching the top not too long after her, standing behind her with his arms folded.

“Shh! Just come sit! It’ll happen any minute now!” Y/N’s eyes were focused on the sky above them but the smile on her face was still as vibrant as ever. Bucky hesitated and Y/N looked over finally, her twinkling eyes finding his, “Come on! Just trust me!” She patted the spot of grass next to her and Bucky finally gave in to those heart melting eyes, sighing as he let the load off of his feet.

“What’re we-” Bucky began to ask again but Y/N gripped his arm so quickly, he felt the heat in his body shoot up to his face.

“LOOK!” She squealed, gasps leaving her lips as her eyes followed streaks of light falling along the sky.

It was a beautiful sight, like a rainfall of stars, sparkling into the dark sky. Y/N felt Bucky’s body relax next to hers and as she glanced over, his mouth was slightly open in complete awe of the sight in front of them.

“Do you like it?” Y/N asked with a grin. She wasn’t exactly sure why but even in the midst of these falling stars, she couldn’t quite bring herself to look away at the man in front of her.

Bucky paused for a moment and Y/N could see the meteor shower in his eyes, “How did you find this place?” He asked so quietly, his voice seeming so far away.

Y/N smiled and leaned into his arm slightly, looking back up at the sky, craning her neck so she could see more, “Wanda told me there’s a little trail around here that she goes running on sometimes. She told me she only comes in the mornings cause it’s way too dark otherwise, no city lights, so street lamps. That’s why we can see them so clearly,” Y/N explained with a grin. Bucky let out a small sound in response and Y/N could feel how encapsulated he was with the whole sight.

There was silence for a while as the two of them stared at the sky. They eventually laid down in the grass behind them, because looking up at the sky was so much easier when you weren’t tilting your head back and there was so much more sky to see this way anyways.

Y/N wondered what Bucky would wish for, if he believed in that sort of thing. She wondered what got him interested in stars in the first place, because she loved the stories that came with them. She wondered if he took other girls from the 40’s out to look at stars, it was probably easier back then without as many city lights. Questions piled in her brain as she thought about it but she didn’t want to interrupt his silence. She knew he liked silence.

As soon as Y/N decided to just let him be, Bucky’s voice snapped the silence in half as he said, “Sometimes it feels like stars are the only things that stayed the same.”

It was a mournful sad tone. It wasn’t that Y/N had never heard him sad before but this sounded… different. Rather than feeling sad about what HYDRA had made the Winter Soldier do, this sounded like he was mourning his past life. Y/N looked over at him and for a moment, she had to command her lungs to breathe because as soon as she looked over, it was like seeing a whole new Bucky. Here, under the moonlight and the shimmers of the falling stars, Bucky looked… different. He didn’t look as tired, he looked… almost happy, which was a sort of beautiful contrast to his tone.

“I used to bring my sister out to look at stars. My mother brought us at first, we’d go sit on a hillside somewhere and we would stare at the stars until we fell asleep,” Bucky told her, his voice gentler this time. Less mournful. “I’d drag Steve out a couple of times too,” he chuckled, glancing over to look at her.

Y/N wanted him to keep talking forever. She wanted to know everything there was to know about him without seeming creepy. She gave him a smile, hoping it would entice him to talk more, finding him far more intriguing than a meteor shower.

“You must miss it,” Y/N commented softly and she watched as Bucky’s eyes grew sad again. He nodded but stayed quiet, glancing back at the sky again. “Is it sort of selfish for me to say that I’m glad you’re here?”

The comment must’ve come at a surprise to Bucky before his eyes snapped back to hers, confusion riddled all of them, “Sorry?”

“I know… I know you must miss the old days. I know you must miss not knowing about HYDRA and the days before you were violated by them but…” Y/N hesitated for a moment before looking back at him, “I’m glad you’re here. Sometimes it feels like Fate drew me to the Avengers, like it was my destiny to help people with you all but… sometimes it feels like Fate brought me to these kinds of moments too you know?”

Bucky’s cheeks were turning pink and Y/N bit down on her lip realizing she practically just admitted she thought Fate brought her to him, or that Fate had this moment in their lives planned.

Bucky smiled at her even while she squirmed in her awkwardness, a soft voice responding to her with, “Me too.”

Y/N’s cheeks burned as his short but sweet reply repeated in her mind over and over again. Bucky cleared his throat, the air of awkwardness falling on the two of them,“How did you know, by the way?”

“Hm?”

“How did you know… about me and the stars?” Bucky’s eyes narrowed as Y/N’s lips formed into an all-too-innocent sort of smile.

“What do you mean? Doesn’t everyone like stars?” She asked with a giggle and he nudged her arm with his gently.

“Don’t lie, doll. What, did Steve tell you?” He asked curiously and he groaned softly as she nodded with another laugh. “God that man just spills every detail about me doesn’t he?”

The nickname made Y/N’s heart skip a beat and she blushed as she realized what an odd effect a word could have on her. “Aw don’t blame him! I had just told him about the news of the meteor shower tonight and he mentioned that you liked to look at stars too!” Y/N smiled brightly as she squirmed some more under Bucky’s eyes. He seemed so much lighter today, happier. “I’m just happy I have someone who is happy to look at them with me.”

“You remind me of him, you know,” Bucky mentioned after a beat, his eyes scanning her face. “Steve, that is. All that reckless behaviour today… going off on your own, you could’ve been killed, Y/N.”

Y/N raised an eyebrow at his sudden scolding tone, realizing she had never seen this side of him before, “Do you normally scold Steve too?” she teased, smiling at him. “I’m fine, Bucky, really. This job doesn’t exactly entail safe environments all the time, I’m going to get hurt sometimes.”

“It doesn’t have to be like that, you could’ve stayed with the group. If someone had just gone with you maybe you wouldn’t have been hurt,” Bucky insisted, propping himself on his elbows to look at her better. He stopped, seeing the sort of embarrassed look in her eyes. “Sorry… you just… you scared me. You got me all worried when you yelled over comms, doll.”

Y/N hadn’t ever thought about how it would sound to a man going through all sorts of anxiety and PTSD. She suddenly felt very guilty, yelling into the comms asking for help when she could’ve just asked someone to come with her. That must be why he was chastising her right? She had scared him and that wasn’t really fair of her to do.

“I’m sorry,” Y/N whispered softly, giving him an apologetic smile. “Everyone’s okay though. And I promise I’ll try to be less reckless next time.”

Bucky nodded slowly as if deciding this was an acceptable response and then laid back down next to her.

Silence hung in the open air again as the two of them continued to watch the pouring of stars in the sky. Y/N stared back at the sky and smiled at the sight, still finding it a breathtaking scene. She shifted after a moment, turning to her side as her eyelids became heavy with sleep. Her sleepy mind doesn’t note that the warmth beside her, the one she slowly curled up against is Bucky’s arm, brushing her hand against his.

The sudden physical contact against his skin surprised Bucky, glancing over to find Y/N dozing off against him. He couldn’t help but smile, watching her for just a second as he wondered what it would be like to be that peaceful, that serene.

When Y/N woke up later that night, she almost panicked in confusion. She wasn’t on the grassy hillside anymore but rather, tucked into her own bed. A yawn forced its way to her lips as she tried to think about how she got here, then a blush was painted on her cheeks as she realized Bucky must’ve put her to bed.

Multiple thoughts swirled in her brain as her eyes flickered close again. On one hand, he had called her _doll_ , the nickname made Y/N smile to herself as she thought about it But on the other hand, she had scared him over the comms by scaring herself because of her own reckless behaviour and she had caused him to worry.

These thoughts fought for dominance, her brain unsure of which to focus on - the fact that maybe he liked her too or the fact that she might be a bother to him. Y/N yawned again as she buried her face into a pillow, wriggling herself under the covers again. She wasn’t quite sure if she had dreamt it or maybe her sleepy mind had just made it up… but she could’ve sworn she had felt someone kiss her forehead as they tucked her in. The thought warmed her heart and soul as she drifted off to dreams of flying amongst the stars with Bucky’s hand in hers.

## ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Huge thanks to everyone who’s been reading along! I hope you guys are enjoying it because Destiny and I are very much so enjoying writing them :) We’d love to hear how you guys are enjoying it so please feel free to leave comments!


	4. aethra

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND THE FLUFF CONTINUES :D 
> 
> Instalment #4 in @wxstedhexrt‘s and my Falling collection! Please read the poem first as it is the whole centrepiece of the fanfic :) The typed out version of the poem is linked down below!   
> Thankfully the parts are getting more and more fluffy :D 

_aethra (Latin): brightness, splendor; clear sky //[LINK TO POEM](https://wxstedhexrt.tumblr.com/post/621837730551332864/aethra)_

Y/N watched as the sun rays glided into her office space, leaving the kiss of warmth on each surface it touched. In her chilly AC filled office room, Y/N longed for the sunlight and found that her bottom lip pouted out slightly every time a cloud flickered over the golden flashes.

 _Ping_. Another email, as if dragging Y/N back from her never ending daydreams to the boringness of paperwork. She was quickly learning that being an Avengers was not just fast action but also the painfully slow task of doing reports.

 _I need those mission reviews done for tomorrow afternoon, is that alright?_ Tony’s brief and unsigned email made Y/N groan slightly. She knew he didn’t really need the reports, he was just trying to make sure she got used to filing paperwork quickly after a job. She sent off a quick response back to him with the completed half of the work attached to the email so he could see that she wasn’t just lazing around, and then opened up the files for the next few.

If this were any other day, Y/N would be drilling through these files quickly, marking them completed and clapping her hands together, ready for more work. But today, Y/N’s brain decided it would be nice to be out in the sun. She craved the feeling of just sitting in the sunlight, maybe a nice breeze to send goosebumps up her skin, the feeling of a nice warm hug from someone special-

The thought made her blush and she knew it was because of who she was imagining being with. Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes.

The thought of him drew a from her lips so slowly, she had to laugh at herself for being so typical of someone in love. Nat and Wanda and teased her endlessly about this the other day, sighing like she was a character in an old romance novel where a suitor had sent her a letter in which he had proclaimed his entire heart was hers. She couldn’t help how her body reacted when she thought about him, even if she wasn’t all too ready to admit the feelings causing it.

Her eyes drifted back at the first page of her report, thoughts of Bucky fluttering away. _In a whole complex full of superheroes, I wonder if I could ever be saved from paperwork,_ Y/N chuckled to herself, straightening her posture and getting to work. If Tony said this work needed to be done, she really shouldn’t dillydally.

But after one document was completed, Y/N’s mind quickly started drifting again, deciding that she deserved a nice long break for doing so little work. She knew that she should buckle down and focus, force herself to get this done but her eyes just kept going to the blue skies and green trees she had as a window view from her small second floor office. She wondered what the flowers smelled like on this gorgeous spring day. What did it feel like to have that nice breeze flying by? Was it a warm breeze? Was it humid out? Was it the kind of cool breeze you wanted to just stop and close your eyes and appreciate?

A flying object hit her window with a small _tap,_ making her jump with surprise. She waited a moment, eyes scanning the glass, wondering if maybe the wind had carried some debris. But as soon as she accepted this as a reason, two other small stones came and made consecutive _taps_ at her window.

Y/N paused and slowly rolled her desk chair over to the window. She peered down at the ground, smiling to find the man of her daydreams standing there. He gave a shy sort of wave, nodding at her window. She stood up to open it, leaning against the frame so she could see him better. “Trying to break my window there, Sergeant?” She teased.

His laugh was carried up to her with the soft breeze that blew by, as if air nymphs were flying past to say hello with the gift of the most melodious sound she could think of. Bucky had this nervous smile on his face and it was only then she noticed the small basket he had next to him. “I was wondering…” he hesitated and glanced at his things, shifting on his feet. “If you’re not too busy, and if you are, you can say no so don’t worry-” he added quickly.

Y/N wondered if it was the warm glow of the sun or if there really was a pink hue to his cheeks right now. “You seem a little nervous today, Sergeant. Everything alright?” She giggled, leaning her chin into her hands as she watched the pink colour on his cheeks grow.

Bucky’s lips were still spread into a grin as he wrestled with what to say next, “Would you skip the rest of the work day with me? Come enjoy this gorgeous weather?”

Y/N wondered how he could’ve possibly known how eager she was to leave. Here she was, in this super cute spring dress, longing for nothing more than to just relax and bathe in the sun and he was here, offering just that. Y/N nodded eagerly in response to his question but her eyes turned back to the door of her office, which was currently closed.

“If I leave, Tony’ll have my head. I haven’t finished my reports,” she sighed, slumping against the window pane. “Thanks though, maybe some other day?”

Even from up here, Y/N could see the sparkle in Bucky’s eyes fall a bit but he was quick to protest, “Aw come on, doll. I spent all morning getting everything ready, you can’t just sneak off with me just the once? Are you really _that_ busy?”

Y/N was a complete stranger to that flirty smirk on James Barnes’ lips and she couldn’t help but feel her curiosity being sparked. He couldn’t be flirting with her could he? “I thought you said I could say no,” she teased and Bucky huffed playfully in response.

“I did but I meant it as in, you can say no if you don’t want to be with me. This seems like a ‘no, I don’t want to get in trouble with Iron Man’,” Bucky pointed out. “I’ll help you with your reports tomorrow if you like! But it’s far too nice of a day to be spent inside!”

He was right and Y/N knew it. Even just the moments of her hanging out of this window made her want to run out and pretend like she had no responsibilities. The air smelled of freedom, the sun felt like safety and warmth.

“Well then, Sergeant, how do you suggest I get down? If he sees me leaving, he’ll have my head! I can’t just pull the fire alarm and run away,” she laughed, thinking about how confused the Avengers would be to a nonexistent fire.

“Jump,” was all he said with a shrug, not even stopping to think about it. That smirk on his face was turning into an awfully cocky grin and Y/N couldn’t help but feel insanely attracted to it.

She raised an eyebrow at his suggestion, staring at him in disbelief, “You want me to _jump_ out of this window?”

“It’s not that high up! You’re only on the second floor!” Bucky nodded with a laugh. “Come on, don’t tell me you’re scared. You’ve jumped out of the quinjet before miles above the ground.”

“I have a parachute when I do that!” Y/N argued, still staring at him like he had grown 7 heads. “Have you gone mad? I can’t just jump out of here! I don’t have super strength or super healing like you, Barnes, I could break something!”

“Nah, not from that height!” Bucky insisted, but Y/N wasn’t sure if he was lying or not. “Oh come on, doll. I’d catch you - don’t you know that?”

The words that came from his lips paired with that gorgeously confident smile made Y/N’s heart flutter a bit. Tingles spread from her fingertips all the way to her chest, her stomach lurching forward as she thought about hopping out.

“You promise?” She asked unevenly, glancing at the window frame surrounding her. It was definitely a big enough space for her to slide out of and there was a ledge in front of the window that she could situate herself on for a moment before she jumped…

Her cheeks flushed as she realized that she was wearing a dress with no tights or anything to cover up the underwear that would quickly be seen if Bucky was going to be preparing to catch her.

“Don’t you trust me, doll?” Bucky asked with another laugh and Y/N wished her heart would stop swooning. She nodded as she slowly climbed onto the window, her legs hanging out.

“Now, try to keep your eyes away from under my dress, you!” She scolded nervously, staring down at Bucky as he tried to find the best spot to stand.

“You want me to close my eyes?” He joked and she rolled her eyes as he laughed some more. “I promise I’ll do my best to try and not look.”

Y/N nodded and looked back at the office behind her, hoping that she hadn’t caught anyone’s attention. Her heart was pounding into her chest but she couldn’t tell if it was because she was still lightheaded from talking to Bucky or nervous about jumping out of a window. “Alright… here I come!” She screeched as she pushed herself off, wincing a little as the rough texture of the window’s ledge scratched her thigh from behind.

It wasn’t that Y/N thought it was going to be an easy drop but she hadn’t quite expected Bucky to lose his footing and fall back with her in his arms with a loud _thump._ Bucky’s hard body felt so surprising to her, her mind immediately filling with thoughts of what muscles he was hiding under his clothing. Dust rose from the ground as the two bodies smacked into it and the birds hiding in the tree nearby flew away, probably laughing as they watched the two humans’ bodies slumped against the ground.

Both of them were groaning for a moment, Bucky rubbing his head which had definitely been smacked into the earth. Y/N felt her cheeks burn with a blush, immediately feeling bad as she saw the pain in Bucky’s wincing expression.

“Y’alright there, doll?” Bucky managed out with a chuckle, reaching his hand up to gently brush against her cheek.

Y/N’s cheeks burned hotter, quickly nodding and wriggling off of him, offering her own hand to help him stand up. “Remind me never to jump into your arms again,” she teased, brushing some dirt that had gathered on the edges of her dress.

Bucky rolled his eyes and moved to pickup the items he was bringing along with them, “Hush you, I kept you safe didn’t I? You barely even hit the ground, you just hit _me_ hitting the ground.”

There was an odd sort of silence between them for a moment as Bucky brushed off the dirt on his back. He looked up at her with a sort of sheepish grin, “So. Pink huh?”

Y/N looked at him with confusion until her eyes went wide as Bucky started to laugh once more, “You said you wouldn’t look!” She screeched, slapping his arm. He was trying to stifle his laughter while she smiled even though she felt like ripping his head off.

“I said I’d _try_! It’s hard to avoid looking when I was trying to make sure I didn’t miss you!” Bucky grinned but held up his hands in defence, “I’m sorry, doll, I didn’t mean to embarrass you.”

Y/N wished she could stammer out a topic change but the words were drying up her throat and her chest tightened in embarrassment. She quickly nodded towards the items he had brought, “S-So where are we going?”

Bucky smiled and pointed at the car stationed nearby, “It’s a secret. Come on, we gotta hurry before Sam realizes I stole the majority of the food in the fridge.” The two of them giggled their way into the car, the engine roaring into life and kicking dust behind them as they disappeared into the horizon.

Y/N couldn’t help but open the passenger window, leaning her arms against the door so she could feel the warm breeze on her face. Her hair was going to be blown in every direction possible but she couldn’t care less. The air felt so nice on her skin, the sun kissing warmth on each inch of skin it danced on. She was so entranced by the feeling, she wasn’t even sure how long they were driving for.

“What’re we doing out here, Bucks?” Y/N finally asked as the city buildings disappeared and green fields quickly replaced them. Her smile grew as she noted the vibrant colours of wildflowers scattered around them, beaming even more as the car turned into a dirt road and came to a stop.

“I just thought we could have lunch with some peace and quiet, and maybe a bit of a view. Just stay put for a moment okay?” Bucky grinned and waited for Y/N to give him a suspicious but agreeing nod. He hopped out of the car and grabbed the basket from the back seat, rushing off into the fields. Y/N’s eyes watched him until he disappeared into the tall grass. She waited for a moment, starting to feel a little nervous when he didn’t come back immediately. This had to be some sort of a prank right? Bucky wouldn’t really just leave her in a car in the middle of nowhere, right?

The girl was filled with relief when Bucky’s figure came jogging back, a bright smile still on his face. Y/N moved to open the door but Bucky held his hands up to stop her, shaking his head quickly, “My mama raised a gentleman,” he insisted after he opened the door and held a hand out to help her out of the car.

Y/N looked up at those weirdly excited eyes and couldn’t help but laugh. Bucky’s attitude was that of a small kid, pulling their friends to come see the frog they found, or a dog who was eagerly awaiting to play catch at the park. This side of Bucky was rarely ever seen… in fact, Y/N wondered if this was the first time she’d seen it at all. Bucky’s fingers intertwined with hers as he closed the car door and locked the vehicle behind them.

“Come on then. Pretty girl like you in that pretty little dress deserves to have a nice lunch date,” Bucky led her along the grass and Y/N had to wonder if he knew that every word that was leaving his lips was making her cheeks feel hot. She was starting to wonder if he could tell how nervous he made her, how shy and vulnerable she felt around him. Her heart was racing and her temperature was rising and it had absolutely nothing to do with the warm breeze floating around them.

Bucky helped push some of the tall grass away from Y/N’s dress as they wandered around for a few minutes, even though Y/N insisted that grass wasn’t going to hurt the fabric in any way. As he led her, a few large trees finally came into view. Her eyes widened in surprise to find a typical red and white picnic blanket spread out on the flat earth beside one of the largest trees, hiding in the shade that pushed and pulled with the air. On the blanket was an assortment of foods, including a platter of sandwiches, some chicken wings, a large bowl of salad, and containers filled with gorgeous looking pieces of fruit.

“Bucky… what the hell is this?” Y/N gaped as she stared at it, Bucky grinning as the two of them came to a halt in front of the blanket. “Did… Did you plan all of this?”

“Of course,” Bucky’s eyes were already fixated on her when she looked up at him, his blue eyes sparkling in the sunlight.

“You… You did this for _me_?” Y/N asked again, her chest tightening slightly. Had he somehow taken a peak into her daydreams? Had he heard her talk about how much she loved to just sit in the sunlight or get away from all the noise of the city?

Bucky’s cheeks went rosy as Y/N questioned him, his eyes quickly falling down to the picnic blanket. “Who else would I have done it for?” He asked softly and Y/N’s heart threatened to fall right out of her chest. There was a pause and Y/N wasn’t sure what to say. She could think of a number of girls that would give anything for Bucky Barnes to do this for them but she couldn’t bring herself to mention them. Bucky had done all this for _her_ and right now, she didn’t want to think of any other girl he would’ve done it for.

Bucky cleared his throat quickly and gestured for her to sit down, moving some of the containers around to create some space on the blanket. “I wasn’t sure what kind of food you’d want. I know you really like pho but it was so warm out and I wasn’t sure it would be good by now, and I thought maybe burgers would get cold by the time we got out here and-” Bucky was rambling and Y/N’s lips curled into a smile as she heard it. Bucky Barnes only rambled sometimes. He was such a quiet man nowadays, hearing him ramble was odd. But it only ever happened when he was nervous. How could he possibly be nervous around her, Y/N wondered.

“They look great,” Y/N insisted, interrupting him with a touch to his arm. “Actually, they look amazing. I’m starved!”

Bucky grinned and quickly pushed backed the saran wrap that was protecting the sandwiches, offering her one. “That Parker kid, he told me Delmar’s Deli and Grill has the best sandwiches ever so…” Bucky picked one up for himself before pushing the saran wrap back onto the plate and turning to her.

“So if they’re terrible, we can blame him,” Y/N finished with a giggle. She sat crossed legged in front of Bucky, facing him with a large smile on her face. The two of them sank their teeth into the sandwiches, groaning with delight as the flavours touched their tongues. “Fuck this is amazing,” Y/N whined, barely swallowing the first piece before eagerly taking another. “Sex is good but this sandwich is better,” she decided out loud, making Bucky choke a little on his bite.

“S-Sorry?” Bucky blinked, the two of them sharing an awkward gaze together before bursting into laughter. “What kind- Who says that about a _sandwich_?”

“I’m sorry, are you not tasting what _I’m_ tasting? It’s incredible!” Y/N insisted, her face going warm with embarrassment and laughter. “Everyone always talks about their last meal on earth, not their last sexual encounter on earth. There’s a reason. Because food is better.”

Bucky thought about it for a moment and then nodded in agreement, “Alright. Fair I guess.” He chuckled to himself and handed her some water to down the bites with. It didn’t take long for Y/N and Bucky to wolf down the majority of the food, Y/N topping off their meal by helping herself to the strawberries that were in a nearby container. Bucky slumped against the tree stump, closing his eyes as he listened to the sounds of the tree swaying to the wind.

“Open,” Y/N whispered and Bucky peek an eye over at her, raising an eyebrow as he felt her touch a strawberry to his lips. “Come on, before I eat all of them,” she pushed with a smile. Bucky rolled his eyes as he playfully glared at her but happily accepted the sweet fruit, going back to closing his eyes.

Y/N watched him for a moment, finding herself unable to tear her eyes away from him. He seemed so much calmer today, so much more relaxed. Over the past few weeks of getting to know him, Bucky Barnes was no longer just the pair of scared eyes that locked onto her while disassociating, he was no longer just the hollowed shape of a man who couldn’t sleep unless it was to the sound of old Scooby Doo cartoons. Bucky Barnes was now a man who held her whole heart in his hands and Y/N wasn’t even sure if he knew that. She stared at him for a while longer before the sounds of birds chirping nearby drew her attention. Her eyes scanned the fields in front of them, sighing contently as she tried to take a photo of the scene to keep forever.

She lifted her phone up, taking a photo of the blue sky, the one or two white cotton candy clouds, the green grass contrasting the red and white picnic blanket. She wanted to keep this memory forever. She smiled proudly as she looked at the multitude of photos she could now keep, resting herself against the tree trunk next to Bucky as she picked out her favourite pictures.

As if coming from the very depths of her memory, a line of poetry flickered into her brain.

 _There is sweet music here that softer falls …._ Y/N blinked as she tried to repeat it over and over again, eyebrows furrowing as she found herself unable to recall the second line.

Phone in hand, Y/N’s fingers tapped along the screen the few words she could remember, searching for this melodic rhythm she had in her head.

“Whatcha doing there, doll?” Bucky asked softly, and his voice became the much sweeter melody in her head. Y/N looked over to find him looking at her quizzically, obviously amused by the little frustration in her expression.

“I’m looking for a poem,” Y/N admitted as she went back to searching, face feeling warm again. Was it embarrassing to be thinking about poetry right now? Was Bucky one of those guys who thought poetry was a waste of time? Stupid fantasies that never any sense?

“Will you read it for me?” Bucky sat up a little straighter, his eyes showing that same little kid excitement that Y/N had seen in him earlier. She smiled at him and nodded quickly, gasping in delight as she found the poems she was looking for.

“ _There is sweet music here that softer falls_ -” Y/N began softly.

“Wait!” Bucky yelped, making Y/N jump a little. He shifted over in where he was sitting, lying down so that his head was now in Y/N’s lap, smiling and batting his eyelashes up at her with his oh-so-innocent look. “Alright, now you can start.” He nodded, closing his eyes again and making Y/N laugh.

“God you’re impossible,” Y/N mumbled but bit her lip a little as she let her eyes watch him just for another moment. Her fingers clenched around her phone a little tighter, her other hand soon moving to play with the ends of Bucky’s long smooth locks.

“There is sweet music here that softer falls  
Than petals from blown roses on the grass,”

Y/N paused as a slightly more powerful breeze flew by, imagining herself flying with the air that touched her skin. She shifted her weight into the tree trunk once more, her dress strap falling slightly as the fabric loosened against her skin. Before she could move to pull it up, Bucky’s warm hand did it for her, his eyes only barely open. His fingertips left tingles along her skin as he gently flattened the strap, leaving his touch there just for a moment before pulling away again and closing his eyes once more.

Y/N could still feel the ghost of his fingers, her skin yearning to be touched by him again because he just made her feel so safe, so warm, even though she couldn’t really say she was cold in the first place. Her eyes hastily skimmed her phone again, not wanting him to realize she was fixating on him again.

“Or night-dews on still waters between walls  
Of shadowy granite, in a gleaming pass;  
Music that gentlier on the spirit lies,”

The words hung in the space between the two bodies as if the air was holding them near. Each syllable that left Y/N’s lips felt soft and soothing and light, like the breeze that was drifting past, but also so grounding and present. As Y/N scrolled through Lord Alfred Tennyson’s _Choric Song_ , her fingers plaited strands of Bucky’s hair into a small braid. She knew he wasn’t sleeping because his eyes kept flickering over to her and Y/N could swear he was watching her, examining her like she had be examining him moments earlier. She tried to keep her gaze away from his, not wanting to prove herself wrong that Bucky was looking at her because if he _was_ _in fact_ looking at her, she didn’t want him to look away.

“Than tir’d eyelids upon tir’d eyes;  
Music that brings sweet sleep down from the blissful skies.”

Soon his eyes were closing slower and staying closed for longer but still Y/N knew he wasn’t sleeping because Bucky always twitched when he was falling asleep. Her fingers twisted and turned against his hair, soon adding soft coloured wildflowers into the braid. She couldn’t help but smile at how soft he looked here, how calm, how completely untortured.

“Here are cool mosses deep,  
And thro’ the moss the ivies creep,  
And in the stream the long-leaved flowers weep,  
And from the craggy ledge the poppy hangs in sleep”

Y/N wondered how time could be so generous in allowing her this time. The poem wasn’t even that long and yet, by the time Y/N got to the end, she felt like a whole eternity had passed them. She wondered if time would always be this kind, if maybe every moment spent alone with Bucky could be like this. Maybe the future could be brighter, softer, and more at peace, just like this.

## ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Another huge thanks to everyone who’s been following along with the series :D Destiny and I really love hearing from you all so please let us know how you like it!


	5. счастье

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Instalment #5 in @wxstedhexrt‘s and my Falling collection! Please read the poem first as it is the whole centrepiece of the fanfic :) The typed out version of the poem is linked down below!   
> MORE FLUFF :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MORE. FLUFF!
> 
> Instalment #5 in @wxstedhexrt‘s and my Falling collection! Please read the poem first as it is the whole centrepiece of the fanfic :) The typed out version of the poem is linked down below! :) All the fluff in the world is in this fic, I’m telling you.

_счастье (Russian): happiness (pronounced schast'ye according to Google Translate) //[LINK TO POEM](https://wxstedhexrt.tumblr.com/post/623191224602509312/%D1%81%D1%87%D0%B0%D1%81%D1%82%D1%8C%D0%B5)_

For the first time in a long time, Y/N woke up with pure silence. It was odd at first and she had to remind herself that the lack of laughter and voices drifting to her room from the kitchen _wasn’t_ because the Avengers had all up and disappeared. Instead, this peaceful start to the morning was only alive because she wasn’t at the Avengers complex. It was a cooler sort of spring morning and Y/N could feel the slight breeze creep in through the window they had left slightly open in the evening before. The wind gently pushed and pulled at the long ceiling to floor curtains and allowed for the sun to creep in just enough to say good morning.

Y/N shifted under a heavy warm arm that encased her into a warm hug, gently prying herself from the gorgeous man who was sleeping quietly next to her. She stifled a giggle as she moved to brush some of his loose hairs away from his face, soft snores falling from his slightly ajar lips. This was his first time he hadn’t been half awake or tossing and turning all night in weeks, so Y/N decided it was best to let him rest. She pressed a small kiss to his nose, noting the slight flutter in his eyelids and smiled before sliding herself off the large bed.

She shivered slightly as the warmth from his body disappeared from her skin. She had gone to bed in only a bralette and some shorts, preferring to be warmed by cuddling but now, she was regretting not wearing something a bit warmer. Her eyes searched the room quickly before landing on a shirt on a nearby chair, pulling it to her and slipping it on. He must’ve thrown it there last night before passing out, in which case, maybe he wouldn’t notice she stole it. Although he didn’t seem much bigger than her, his shirts always felt a bit baggy on her and made her feel protected and small. She was still for a moment, feeling the softness of the fabric, breathing in the smell of his soap mixed with her laundry detergent. If she could carry this scent around with her everywhere, she would.

Maybe it was the soft calling of the birds or maybe it was the sparkling dew on the grass but as Y/N walked slowly to the kitchen, she paused in front of the nearby window. She looked out into the warm pink and orange hues of the sun and she almost wanted to just run outside and feel them on her skin. It was beautiful out here in the middle of nowhere. The two of them had spent almost all day yesterday driving up here to this little Airbnb that Wanda had found them after realizing just how exhausted the two of them were. (“I don’t want you two to come back until you forget how to be productive!” And with that, Wanda practically threw their suitcases out the door. Y/N had been thanking her every chance she got.)

It almost felt like a dream. Not just the gorgeous view from the window or the silent little cottage-like house they were staying in for the time being. But the whole last few months. Y/N’s eyes moved back to the bedroom door, thinking about all the late nights talking and laughing at movies, spilling secrets and even convincing him to do a face mask once or twice. She thought about the very beginning of this relationship, the stammered responses, the yearning she had felt for his touch, the fleeting glances.

Her mind drifted to thoughts of their first kiss, her stomach lurching forward into twists as she remembered the brush of his light lips on hers just before he disappeared for a month.

_“Be safe,” she had practically begged him, tears forming at the corners of her eyes as she held his arm in her hands. “Please.”_

_He had given her that almost sorrowful smile, reaching up to touch her cheek and using his thumb to gently wipe away an escaping tear. “I’ll be alright, doll, don’t you worry about me.”_

_“What else am I going to do without you for a whole month?” She joked softly, trying to smile but it was hard. This was the first time she wouldn’t have contact with him when they weren’t on a mission together._

_“Annoy the shit out of Steve for me,” he offered with a smile. Here he was, going in deep to meet with an informant, Y/N was freaking the hell out of her mind and he was standing there smiling. There was a calmness to him, even though Y/N and him had talked about his worries going out into the field for so long. So how did he look so calm looking at her now?_ _Y/N tried to be positive but deep down, she was worried this was the last time she’d ever see him. Her eyes tried desperately to memorize the look on his face, just in case. Her mind had raced with questions when they first ordered Sam and Bucky on this mission. Why did it have to be him? Why couldn’t Steve go? Why did it have to be for a month? Why did it have to be off comms?_

_But all those questions were answered too easily for her to insist that Bucky stay here. The informant barely spoke any English and Russian was their first language so of course Bucky was a good candidate. Nat was away on a completely different mission with Wanda and Tony so she couldn’t go instead. They wanted to build trust with the informant but also, he could only give them parts of information at a time so a month was the bare minimum at this point. And since they were entering enemy territory, Steve thought it would be best to not have communications hacked. The two man team would have very minimal contact with the base, only to check in about their safety or to ask for immediate emergency help._

_“Time to go, Tin Man!” Sam called from the other room. Y/N could tell from the shadow on the floor that he hesitated before at the door before deciding to give the two of them some space and staying outside. “I’ll wait for you in the jet.”_

_Bucky shouted out a response to him but present Y/N could barely remember what it was. All she could remember was the ache in her stomach as he started to pull away before he turned back and lifted her chin up so smoothly with his fingers. Y/N practically melted as she felt his lips on hers. It was a soft kiss, passion and love melded their bodies together as he held her close, leaning his forehead on hers as they took a breath, before he brushed her hair away gently._

_“You’re my one and only, doll,” he whispered, taking her hand in his and squeezing it gently. “I’ll come back to you before you know it.” With a kiss on the back of her hand, he left and Y/N’s lips stayed tingling the whole month he was gone._

_That had been the worst month of Y/N’s life. She had made Steve go nuts, bugging him with constant questions of is he okay, what’s the next step, has he heard from them, is everything on schedule-_

_Y/N smiled to herself as she remembered tackling Bucky to the floor when he got home, squeezing his tired body in a tight hug and ultimately feeling so bad when she realized how bruised his whole body was and she had definitely made it a little worse. But she couldn’t help it - the whole time she wondered would he leave her before she got the chance to tell him how she felt? Would their connection be severed before it ever really existed?_

_“S’alright, doll,” Bucky had laughed as he sat up from the floor and had gladly accepted her offer to take him down to the infirmary. She had thought all month about how she wanted his coming home to be, would they share another passionate kiss? Would he ask her on a proper date? Would Sam say something stupid and ruin the whole thing?_

_Maybe the first two would’ve been true if the latter hadn’t come first. Sam had popped his head in to see how Bucky was and loudly expressed how awkward and tense the air was in the room._

_“So does this mean y’all are gonna bang? Cause like the wall between my room and Bucky’s is thin and-” Sam started, quickly ducking the blood pressure gauge that Bucky threw at his head. “Rude,” he scoffed but shot a grin at Y/N before disappearing._

_It wasn’t long before Y/N felt at home and comfortable again with Bucky by her side. The two of them snuggled in front of the TV with cups of tea and some snacks, watching old cartoons as if they were an old couple._

_“Y/N?” Bucky had whispered after a while. Y/N’s eyes were closed, her head leaning against his chest as she relaxed her stiff body into the warmth of his arms._

_“Mm?” She hummed, peeking an eye open to see him staring at her. “What?” She giggled, both eyes opening now in embarrassment. His smile was so soft as he watched her without responding for a moment, eyes noting every inch of her face._

_“I missed you,” Bucky’s voice was a little shaky and he cleared his throat whilst his eyes turned away shyly. Y/N smiled and poked his cheek playfully in response._

_“I missed you too, Bucks.”_

_“No, I mean…” he hesitated and shifted a little so they were facing each other. “Being away from you for a month made me realize… just how hard I’m falling for you.”_

Even thinking back to that moment made Y/N’s heart flutter just a little. The words that left Bucky’s lips repeated in her head over and over again as she moved to the kitchen and pulled out some food to make breakfast with. She thought about how she had kissed him after he told her all that because she wasn’t sure if she could word her feelings right. She smiled as her mind reminisced about the weeks after, the stolen kisses in the hallways between meetings, snarky responses and flirty comments during sparring, and just the comfortableness of it all.

It wasn’t long before Y/N realized that she had just cracked an egg onto the counter top instead of into the pan because she was daydreaming. She laughed at herself a little, cleaning up the mess and deciding to try and figure this old looking radio that sat nearby in a way to keep her mind present.

A slow melody crackled to life on the speakers as she started to cook properly this time, her hips swaying to the beats of the music. She hummed along to the music that she recognized, listening carefully to the lyrics of ones that she didn’t. As the bacon sizzled in the pan, she wondered what kind of music played while Bucky grew up. What kinds of sounds did he have memory with?

She daydreamed about the alternate universe where Bucky had stayed in his own timeline and maybe she had been born into it. Would they have still gotten along? Would he have still asked her out? Would they dance until the night was dark, would he come meet her family and promise not to take her out too late? Or would he be that playboy that Steve often teased about? Would she get a cheeky wink from him across the room as her only interaction with him? Would she roll her eyes in response? Because that was often her response when she kept cocky guys nowadays.

Interrupting her thoughts was the sound of an all too familiar tune starting to play on the radio. Her eyes glanced at it with a smile, as if thanking the hosts for playing such a slow song to match her slow start to the morning.

_Wise men say only fools rush in  
But I can't help falling in love with you_

Y/N found herself humming along but it quickly became soft singing as her lips traced around the lyrics she’s known for years. As each word left her lips, she thought about how many people were listening with her and were singing along, how many people knew this popular tune. She wondered if even Bucky knew it and wondered what his thoughts were when he had first heard it. Her eyes noted the now cooked eggs and bacon on her pans, reaching over to turn the oven off and looking through the cupboards to find some clean plates. She pushed the eggs and bacon onto two plates, waving them off as she started to clean.

_“Shall I stay  
Would it be a sin  
If I can't help falling in love with you”_

Two arms wrapped around Y/N’s waist suddenly, making her jump at the tug of her center to a warm body behind her. She looked up from the sink where water was cooling down the pans, and behind her shoulder to find Bucky’s head nuzzling into her neck. “You left me alone,” he whined into her hair, lazily pressing kisses to her skin.

“You were sleeping!” Y/N laughed as she tried to squirm out of his grip to continue cooking. “I thought you’d be exhausted. You practically drove all night up here.” Bucky’s grip around her tightened as she turned off the tap and tried to turn to face him.

The pout on his lips made her grin grow wider, “You _left_ me,” he insisted. “And then you stole my shirt!” He huffed, tugging at the hem that was brushed up against her thigh.

_Like a river flows surely to the sea  
Darling so it goes_

Y/N smirked and couldn’t help but admire the just-woke-up look on Bucky, him standing there in grey low waisted sweatpants, “You look better without a shirt,” she laughed, wrapping her arms around his neck.

“You were singing,” Bucky suddenly said as they swayed to the soft music playing in the background. “I like it when you sing,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

_Some things are meant to be  
Take my hand, take my whole life too_

_“_ Our breakfast is gonna get cold,” Y/N brought up, face flushing with embarrassment that he had heard her, stepping away from him and starting to move towards the food.

“Dance with me,” Bucky asked quickly, a firm grip still on her waist. “Please, doll?” His eyes were pleading like a child again, that oh so adorable look in his eyes that Y/N had a hard time saying no to. She bit down on her lip and nodded slowly as Bucky turned the volume up on the radio before pulling her into the living room which had more space.

_For I can't help falling in love with you  
_ _Like a river flows surely to the sea_

Soft hums left Bucky’s lips as the two of them swayed to the music, his gentle but strong arms guiding her. For a moment they stood there, just holding each other and listening to the beats of the music.

_Darling so it goes  
Some things are meant to be_

Bucky smiled as their eyes met, taking her hand and lifting it up slightly, his other hand pressed into her waist. He guided her into a slow dance, breathy giggles and laughter leaving their lips as he twirled her around the room. She couldn’t help but feel like she was dancing on a cloud, Bucky’s movements so free and flowing that she almost couldn’t believe this man was behind them.

Y/N gave a little bit of a squeal as she felt Bucky tilting her back, his chuckling making her feel all the more embarrassed as he dipped her so low, she was almost positive they were going to fall over.

“Don’t you trust me?” He teased as he brought her back up and twirled her around some more, a twinkle in his eye and a wide smile on his face.

“Depends,” she shot back with a laugh, trying to catch her breath from her laughter, “We’ve fallen over before,” she pointed out, thinking about the time she jumped out of a window for him, or the times she’s knocked him over with hugs, or even when they’ve just tripped over each other’s feet. The smile on her lips was starting to burn at her cheeks and she realized in that moment that she wished the song would never end.

Bucky pulled her close again, pressing his forehead against hers once more. Y/N watched as his lips parted and she thought he was going to shoot back with another snarky remark. But instead, his low voice started to sing along,

_“Take my hand,  
_ _take my whole life too”_

Y/N hadn’t ever heard Bucky sing before. Soft hums here and there, a melody to his words sometimes, but never fully sun. She wanted to close her eyes, focus solely on the word he was singing but his eyes held her soft gaze, looking like they were trying to say something.

_“For I can't help falling in love with you  
_ _For I can't help falling in love with you,”_

Y/N wondered if he could feel how warm her face was getting as they slowly swayed to the music. She wondered if he could hear how fast her heart was beating, if he could tell her hands were shaking. Was this the first time the word ‘love’ had left his lips? The first time he was admitting such strong feelings for her? Sure, she knew he liked her enough to ask her out and come to this middle-of-nowhere house with her, but was he really admitting he loved her?

Bucky tilted her chin up slightly as the melody drifted away from his lips, and he kissed her as if it was the first time and the last time. He held her close as their lips sparked something magical, feeling both a passion and a hunger for each other. The song had disappeared and the radio hosts’ voices were feeling so far as they talked about current news and weather. Y/N’s lips felt Buck’s depart and her eyes fluttered open to see him staring at her, with a sort of gentle love in his eyes. Time felt like it had slowed down in that moment, like the world had been put on pause and there was no such thing as monsters who whispered little dark thoughts into their ears. Here, in his arms, in this far away house, was going to be where their happiest memory was born.

After a moment of silence, Bucky’s lips parted again and Y/N wondered if he would say it, if the three little words would leave his lips. She wondered if they were even ready for that, was it too soon? Did he really feel that way? Was this all going way too fast, especially because back in his day, romances were an awful lot slower?

“Thank you for breakfast, doll,” he whispered to her instead with a smile, stepping back from her and pressing a kiss to her hand with a playful bow, as if she was a princess to be courted.

“Where’d you learn to dance like that?” Y/N asked curiously as the two of them grabbed their plates of somewhat warm food and plopped onto the living room couches. Y/N tried to stabilize her hands, still feeling a bit wobbly after hearing those words leave Bucky’s lips. How long would it take for her heart to slow down? For her skin to stop having goosebumps in response to this tender and loving touch?

Bucky smiled to himself as he started to cut up his eggs, “Back in my day, dancing was the best date you could have. Just forget everything around you and dance, have some fun, be surrounded by smiles.”

“Mm well I kinda like just dancing here with you here,” she admitted shyly, getting up to turn on the coffee machine and find some coffee cups for them.

If she had turned back to look at him, she would’ve seen the look on his face that Steve liked to call ‘love-sick puppy dog’. He watched her as she glided around the kitchen, smile on her face, and he wished he could’ve kept dancing with her for longer.

“We can dance any time you like, doll,” Bucky told her as she turned back to smile at him. “If you’ll have me, maybe I can be your dance partner forever.” And the smile she gave him in response was all he needed.

Small dances in the little cottage-like house’s living room became dances in their bedrooms back home. Sometimes he’d twirl her out of a hug or they’d sway just a little in the hallways. The two of them were like in their own little world, dancing to both music and silence, as if the world of anxieties was a universe away.


	6. фейерверк

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: firework-induced panic attack descriptions, maybe some anxious thoughts, but there’s a lot of fluff in the end i promise! 
> 
> Instalment #6 in @wxstedhexrt‘s and my Falling collection! Series Masterlist can be found HERE. Please read the poem first as it is the whole centrepiece of the fanfic :) If you need or would like a typed out version of the poem instead of the photo below, here’s the link to it on Destiny’s blog :) I hope you guys enjoy this one as much as I loved Destiny’s poem for this <3 (Sorry for how late this one is! I’ve been so swamped with writer’s block and homework haha)

_фейерверк (Russian): fireworks (pronounced feyyerverk according to Google Translate) //[LINK TO POEM](https://wxstedhexrt.tumblr.com/post/626817402851753984/%D1%84%D0%B5%D0%B9%D0%B5%D1%80%D0%B2%D0%B5%D1%80%D0%BA)_

It didn’t really matter that Steve had insisted that he didn’t want a big party. His concerns fell on deaf ears and Tony made an offhanded remark that he had been preparing for this party for 5 months now.

“Can’t have our very own American veteran not be celebrated on his ultra-American birthday! The party will be grand. No, _grander_ than grand! You are America’s Sweetheart, after all,” Tony had scoffed and Steve had face-planted onto the table in front of him, groaning like he was getting his teeth pulled out.

And it was grander than grand. Y/N couldn’t remember a time in her past that she had been around so many people before. She wasn’t even sure she had ever heard of the brands of the top-shelf liquor that Tony insisted on serving, or that she had ever seen an ice sculpture in person before. It was very well crafted, even capturing Steve’s side grin that made all the girls who were attending the party swoon. Y/N was grateful that Wanda and Nat were around, hooking arms with them so she didn’t trip over her floor length evening gown. It didn’t help that the press were so eager to hear from her, being the newest team member that is, about what it was like to be working with Steve Rogers, always asking if they could quote her on what she had said and making her wonder if she had said something that was going to be taken out of context later.

But a couple of champagne glasses and top notch whiskey thrown back and Y/N was humming along to the songs the live band played like she hadn’t been anxious at all. Bucky had even joined her for a dance to a slow song, whispering sweet nothings into her ear about how gorgeous she looked tonight as if he hadn’t been the one to pick out the dress. He himself was looking very well put together, and Y/N was glad that her bobby bins had helped to keep his long hair back into a bun.

Hours filled with somewhat boring conversations and stolen giggles with the girls flew by quickly, and now, the party was finally coming to a close. Tony insisted that since every party had to have a good ending so that it was not easily forgotten, so near the end of the night, he quickly ushered everyone outside. The cool evening breeze made Y/N and a few other women shiver, her fingers rubbing gently along her exposed skin to keep her warm, but the look on Tony’s face insisted that whatever was going to happen was going to be worth it.

He stood up on a stage, grinning and posing for a moment before inviting the birthday boy onto the stage and clapping a hand on his shoulder saying, “Thank you, Cap, for everything you’ve done for us. Truly, I’ll never have anyone else be so helpful. Seriously ‘cause no matter how old I get, I always remember, that you’re so much older,” Tony grinned and Steve rolled his eyes with laughter, chuckles pouring out of the audience. “Now to celebrate my favourite Captain, I have asked a very special man to help me with some very special fireworks. But first, Birthday Boy, would you like to give a speech?” Tony held out the microphone but Steve waved it away. No matter how hard the crowd cheered, Y/N laughed a little knowing that Steve’s ears were turning pink with embarrassment, knowing he didn’t really like talking in front of large groups.

“Tony, just get on with it,” Steve tried to beg, cheeks flushed as all eyes turned to him.

“Fine, anyone else want to talk about the birthday boy?” Tony offered, holding out the microphone in the crowd’s direction.

“Oh! ME! Mr. Stark, Tony! Me! Please, pickmepickmepickmepickmeeee!” sang a voice from the very back of the crowd. Much like everyone else, Y/N turned to see who was yelping from the very top of their lungs and she burst into giggles noting Scott Lang’s eager hand waving to grab Tony’s attention.

“Really, anyone at all,” Tony was saying, as if there wasn’t a man jumping up and down like a 4 year old. “Anyyyyoneeee?”

“Mr. Iron Man! Me! I promise it’ll be good! It’ll be like the best speech you’d ever heard!” Scott was pleading and Y/N realized that the flush in his skin was probably due to the alcohol in his blood. He tried to wave around both hands, forgetting that one of them was filled with some whiskey and it splashed around to the people around him. “Oops I’m so sorry, I totally didn’t mean to do that, I’m so very sorry-”

“Fine. Get up here, Regular Sized Dude,” Tony groaned, rubbing his forehead gingerly as Scott whooped and hollared excitedly, dashing through the crowd clumsily to get to the stage.

“Thank you! Thank you thank you thank you!” Scott started as he yelled into the crowd. Tony rolled his eyes and shoved the mic into his hands, probably adding into Scott’s ear that he didn’t need to yell. “Alright. Whew. Here we go,” Scott grinned, wiggling out his joints like he was getting ready for a fight. He turned to face Steve’s direction, who was turning bright red at the second hand embarrassment.

“Mr. Captain, Captain Steve, Mr. Rogers, Captain America, Mr. America, Steve- if I can call you Steve. _Steve_!” Scott howled out the last one, grinning from ear to ear as if his words weren’t slurring together and his body wasn’t fumbling around the stage. “Mr. Steve, you are one of the coolest people I’ve ever met and I need you to know just how amazing I know you are like seriously, did you guys see that news story where he just lifted like three cars?” Scott asked with wide eyes, looking to the crowd for some sort of agreement. “Seriously, like I think you’re a really cool dude and you’re always super nice and- no no, I swear I’m almost done- you’re like my biggest hero so thank you so much for letting me join your team.” Scott waved away Tony who continuously tried to take the mic away, still going on his love confession to the Captain.

Murmurs in the crowd with fake smiles plastered on had everyone wondering how long this speech was going to go on. Hope managed to get through the crowd with a forced and apologetic smile on her face, climbing the stage and tugging on Scott’s arms to drag him down slowly.

“I LOVE YOU CAP!” Scott yelled out once more before Hope finally managed to tug him down, Tony grabbing the microphone and trying to salvage the audience’s attention.

“Uh, thank you Scott, for that _really_ desperate attempt of a speech. Thank you for not letting the audience suffer anymore, Hope. Anyways, on to our grand finale! The fireworks!” Tony proclaimed and a feeling of relief washed over the crowd as they cheer, Y/N clapping along as a few workers helped to prepare the first few. The dark sky was quickly lit up with red, white, and blue. Flashes and bangs popped up into the atmosphere and the guests were all ooh-ing and aww-ing at the sight of them. All in a row, the lights popped up into view with loud sounds and then dissipated back into the black nothingness.

Y/N’s lips were worn into a tired smile as she watched the sky, tired of both talking to her friends and socializing with people who seemed awfully familiar but she couldn’t quite place where they had met. She was utterly exhausted, though to be honest, she expected nothing less from a Tony Stark party.

For just a moment though, there was very little chatter, and everyone stood together all staring up at the sky, mouths open just slightly as they watched art made by some famous firework maker light up the sky. Steve’s face sparkled against the dark sky, his shield popping up next to him with a loud bang.

Then out of nowhere, it was almost as if there was a quick whisper in her ear, as if some deity had kneeled down to her height and wondered aloud, _“Where’s Bucky?”_

The thought pulled Y/N from her sky gazing, eyebrows furrowing when she didn’t catch his eyes immediately. The two of them had been unhappily torn apart from each other for the majority of the night, Y/N having been pulled by reporters and esteemed guests while Bucky tried to stay out of the limelight due to his reputation. But even though they had been apart physically, Y/N always found herself able to catch his eye even from across the room, and a quick shared smile between the two of them was all Y/N needed to feel comfortable in the room again.

She finally caught sight of his frame, his dark hair pulled into a bun and tall demeanour making him easy to spot over the crowd, and for a moment, her nerves were relieved. But there was a look in his eyes that made her stomach turn. She wasn’t quite sure from this distance, but something was wrong and she knew it. “Excuse me, ladies,” Y/N gave a short smile to the women around her, pushing through the crowd around her in an eager attempt to find him. She had to get to his side, she had to help, she _knew_ something was going wrong.

When she finally got close enough to note his facial expression, another firework went off and she noticed just how quickly the blood was draining from his face, his eyes wide and trained on the flashes of light in the sky. “Sorry, gentlemen, I’m going to steal Bucky for a moment,” she spoke quickly, giving a smile to Sam and Clint who chuckled, not noticing the panic in Bucky’s face and assuming the couple were just disappearing for some alone time.

Y/N placed her hands gently on Bucky’s chest, gently pushing him backwards, looking up at his eyes as his gaze slowly fell to hers. She watched as his dry lips parted slightly, eyes widening some more as no sounds came out. “It’s okay. Just come with me inside, Bucks,” Y/N whispered to him, taking his hand and walking briskly to the doors. Firework after firework crackled into the sky and Y/N realized as they so quickly burst behind them, just how much it sounded like a war. Her heels clicked underneath her as the two of them scurried off past the party room that was once filled with far too many people, and soon found themselves in Y/N’s room. She closed the door quickly behind them, keeping the lights off and rushing over to the window to shut the curtains.

When she returned to Bucky’s side, she noticed the clamminess of his hands, the sweat beading at his brow, the bloodshot in his eyes. “Bucky?” Y/N called to him gently, waiting for his eyes to meet hers. “Hey, it’s alright. Just focus on me okay? I’m gonna take this tie off alright?” Y/N told him and waited for his head to slowly nod before her fingers pried the knot away from his throat, slipping it onto the floor. She remembered just how happy he looked earlier today, staring at himself in the mirror and commenting to her how he hadn’t felt this happy in so long.

Now here he was, standing there like when she had first met him. Broken emotions heavy in his eyes, fingers curling into fists as if ready to defend himself. Her fingers gently pulled apart the first few buttons of his shirt and reached behind her to find a small face towel she normally used for her skincare routine. With gentle and soft presses to his face, Y/N patted away the sweat that stuck his loose hairs to his forehead, gently reminding him to “breathe in…. okay now breathe out…,” as she went.

Bucky’s eyes seemed so hollow as he watched her, his breath still jerky and heaving, as if he was unable to grab the oxygen he needed. “Here,” Y/N offered softly, taking his hand and pressing it to her chest, keeping his eyes on her. “Copy me,” she whispered, slowly breathing in and out, dramatizing the movement of her chest and shoulders so he could see. Bucky nodded after a while, his breaths slowly becoming calmer, more fluid. “I’m here, don’t worry,” she whispered to him softly, reaching up with one hand and tucking his hair behind his ear. “I promise they won’t hurt you anymore.”

There was a moment here and Y/N would wonder later if Bucky felt it too. A sort of serene minute where the muffled sound of fireworks in the distance stopped and the two of them just stood there, breathing and looking at each other.

“Will you stay with me?” Bucky asked quietly, feeling how eager his panic was to seep back in. He needed to control it, he wanted to fight it, and yet it felt like he was swinging his arms at a losing battle.

Y/N nodded slowly, reaching up to kiss his nose, “Of course. Want to watch some cartoons?” She offered and grinned as the suggestion lit up his eyes. He nodded quickly, trying not to wince as another firework went off somewhere.

In a few moments, old reruns were playing on Y/N’s laptop and she had pulled out her speaker too so the noise was a little louder than the fireworks going off. She waited for him to settle on the bed, for his breathing to slow down and his body to relax, before prying off her dress and pulling on some comfier clothes.

“Can I come cuddle you?” She asked him in a hushed whisper as she crawled back into bed with him, as if they were going to get caught and scolded if they were any louder. Bucky nodded quickly and opened his arms for Y/N to crawl into, and pressing a gentle kiss on her forehead.

Scooby and his gang caught the thief, the Road Runner still managed to outrun the Coyote, and Tweety outsmarted Sylvester the Cat, and Y/N and Bucky were still half watching, their eyelids heavy with the full exhaustion of being social hitting them.

Y/N’s eyes closed for a moment and she felt Bucky’s fingertips trace gentle shapes into her arm. She kept herself awake as she felt his finger start to make more deliberate lines, slowly spelling out what felt like… I LOVE YOU.

Her heart fluttered for a moment and she couldn’t help but shift in her nervousness. She felt Bucky’s breath hitch, as if worried that she really was still awake and wondering what she would think. Had she really felt what she thought she felt? Was it real? Was she just dreaming?

“Y/N?” Bucky whispered gently, his thumb now stroking her arm. “Are you sleeping?” He murmured.

“Mm?” Y/N hummed, turning further into his chest as the next cartoon episode started to play.

“Just… wanted to thank you for tonight. Thank you for being there for me.” Bucky’s voice sounded like music, floating in the air like a dream.

“Always,” Y/N yawned softly, a small smile on her lips as she felt him press another kiss to her brow.


End file.
